As a writing assignment, I ask students to pen headlines for The Onion. I made a first cut and then two advertising friends helped with final judging. Hope you like.

GOLD

Grammar teacher corrects suicide note

Pedophile Worried He Might Be Priest

Study: Rubbing crying friend on back does nothing for them.

SILVER

Holocaust museum adds fun new interactive experience.

Area Moth Complains Bulb ‘Too Bright.’

RUNNERS UP

Remedial Latin Student Can Only Half Summon Satan.

2018 Flat Earther’s Conference to be held in Sydney.

Opinion: How Do We as a Country Reconcile the Fact My
Wife is a Total Fucking Bitch.

Science Says That It Really Do Be Like That Sometimes.

Army Pilot Sure He Parked Stealth Aircraft ‘Right Here.’

Meth is Back and Better Than Ever!

Lincoln Impersonator Shot.

Are Homosexual Male Relationships Sexist?

Proctor & Gamble Releases Chicken-Flavored Tide Pods.

Nation’s Dogs Wonder “Am I A Good Boy?”

Start Smoking in Just 5 days!

Cobb: “Never Expected Salad Thing to Work.”

Toyota Announces Prius to be Manufactured with Coexist
Sticker Painted On.

Woody Allen Set to Direct Next Movie in ‘Predator’ Franchise.

Women Not Flattered By “You’re Actually Really Funny”

Area Man Discovers Rows of ‘Books’ in Liberry.

Quad-Amputee Criminal Armed and On the Run.

Health Nut Won’t Just Buy Regular Fucking Bread.

Cats: Catching on to Laser Pointer Thing?

FDA Medical Marijuana Researchers Conclude ‘Fingers Essentially Little Legs for Your Hands’

Area Man Accidentally Calls 911 Instead of Mother During Masturbation Mishap.

Woman Projectile Vomits to Protest Catcall

Kanye Joins Family of all K’s. Co-inkydink?

President Moth Issues Statement: “I Did Not Have Relations With That Lamp.”

J.K.Rowling Reveals Hedwig Was Black

New Roommate Talks About Study Abroad Trip For, Like, Fucking Ever

Johnny’s Girlfriend Realizes Everyone Knows Her Only As “Johnny’s Girlfriend”

Man Who Constantly Skipped Leg Day Topples Over

Apple Farmer Complains Gravity Damaging Crops.

Post Impeachment, Trump Spends Summer ‘Crashing at Cody’s Place.’

Picture of Blake Lively Reminds Man He’s Not Full-on Gay.

White Girl Reportedly Huge Fan of Brunch

Area Man Weighs In With Opinion on Thing That Doesn’t Involve Him.

Dogs Protest For Higher Quality Homework.

Swim Meet Parent Holds Sign “Swim Fast or I’m Leaving.”

Mailman Frankly Shocked How Little Cash He’s Finding in Peoples’ Mail.

Michelle Obama: Still Pissed at Fat Kids.