What if we started taking agency people seriously when they misused the word “mediums” and just started giving them what they asked for?

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OPEN ON HOLIDAY INN CONFERENCE ROOM. A MEDIA PRESENTATION TO  SUBWAY SANDWICHES IN PROGRESS.

AGENCY GUY: Okay, we’ve talked a lot about having our client’s message show up in as many mediums as possible and today I’d like to take you through some of our early thoughts.

Okay, first off, congrats on the whole idea of buying mediums. Round of applause for our Jerry here. Thanks to the Jer-Man’s memo – “Investing In The Best Mediums” ¬– we are first movers in this category.

First off, nobody else has thought of advertising on mediums, or clairvoyants, or fortune tellers. And people? We intend to own this space. We’ll road-block every goddamn medium in the tri-state area and John Q. Public won’t be able to get his stinkin’ palm read without hearing about Subway’s foot-longs.

Let’s start with the low-hanging fruit: Your basic medium, the fortune teller.

Okay, you see a crystal ball, right? Yeah? Well, I see a cash register, people, and it’s ringin’. Can anyone say “give-away”? Oh, yeah. We slap our logo on some cheap clear plastic balls, say something like, “In your future, we see a 10% discount on a Subway.” It’s a win-win, okay? Page me at the pool when the stock splits.

And look at all this forehead space here. So, we get our art guys in here – boom – and now you got paying customers looking square at our Italian BMT while the mediums are goin’ on about, “You gonna drop dead. Heart attack. Oh wait, unless you eat Subway.”

It’s got legs, these mediums. Maybe have the old gypsy start moaning, “S-s-s-someone named Jarel? Jared? He is reaching out to you. He say, ‘Don’t be such a fat fuck. Eat at Subways’.”

Alrighty? Now in addition to mediums, we can stake out territory in witches, gypsies, even bottom-feeders like the guy who guesses your weight at the carnival. And movie tie-in’s? A cake walk. Take the old bitch in Drag Me To Hell? Talk about a call to action. “Eat at Subway’s or roast in Hell until the skin bubbles off your maggot-infested soul.”

I have chills, people. Chills.