Oh, metaphors, I love you so much.

“3 A.M. CALL TO THE PLUMBER.”

(Curtain rises)

WE OPEN ON A CLOCK ON THE WALL. IT’S 3 IN THE MORNING. WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL SLEEPY PLUMBER ENTERING A BATHROOM AS THE CLIENT HOLDS OPEN THE DOOR.

CLIENT: It’s in here. The sink is just totally clogged.

PLUMBER: No problem. Sounds like a hairball. It’s almost always the U-trap.

CLIENT: I’m pretty sure it’s a problem with the toilet.

PLUMBER: I thought you said the sink is clogged.

CLIENT: Oh yes, that is the problem. But I think you reeealllly oughta work on the toilet.

PLUMBER: ______

CLIENT: See, most of the guys in the office say the same thing. The toilet.

PLUMBER: Ummmmmm, okay. But …. okay…. but in order for me to work on the toilet, I’mmmmm… gonna have to go in through the sink’s U-trap.

CLIENT: Ooookay, you’re the “expert.” But I’m pretty sure the hairball is in the toilet and that’s  the problem with the sink.

THE PLUMBER GOES UNDER THE SINK, UNDOES THE U-TRAP AND COMES OUT HOLDING A BIG UGLY HAIRBALL.

PLUMBER: Heeeeere’s your problem. Like I said, it was a hair…

CLIENT: Fine, whatever, now if you will please put that hairball back in the U-trap and check the toilet like I asked.

PLUMBER PUTS HAIRBALL BACK INTO SINK, THEN DECONSRUCTS THE TOILET, WHERE IT’S CLEAR THAT THE TOILET IS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER.

PLUMBER: Well, it’s like I said. Listen, it’s a little late, and so if you want that hairball out, I can do it now or just leave.

CLIENT: I hate it when you plumbers act like you know alllllll about plumbing.

PLUMBER: Sir, I’m sorry but… I’ve been doing this stuff for goin’ on 25 years and I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a hairball in the U-trap.

CLIENT: Fine. …. Fine…. Just get it out.

PLUMBER GOES BACK UNDER, UNSCREWS U-TRAP, BRINGS OUT THE SAME BIG UGLY HAIRBALL.

PLUMBER: See? This is your hairball. From the U-trap.

CLIENT: (Appraising the hairball, looking at it from 3 different views) Good effort….but that just isn’t quite the hairball I was looking for. I was seeing something more in a spherical shape or more like a capsule shape, you know, sort of like a big pill.

PLUMBER LEAVES

CLIENT: Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE your hairball, it’s a great start. But if you could just show me three other hairballs, I’m pretty sure I’ll know it when I see it.

PLUMBER DRIVES AWAY

CLIENT: (Calling out the front door to the departing plumber) And did your hairball have to have a wedding ring all tangled up in the middle? I mean, what’s that about? Is your hairball married?  Wait’ll Mrs. Hairball hears about this!